You Really Are Good Enough

I, Rachel G. Land, do not blog frequently and I do not listen to podcasts. In my brain, listening to podcasts is simply interfering with the time I could be listening to uplifting hits like “Bartier Cardi”, “Mo Bamba”, and “Shake That” by Eminem…and blogging? Do I look like I have the time? Who wants to read my thoughts? Today, however, I had an experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Sadly, I know it’s something that a lot of us face and that is why I wanted to share it. So here we are: you, me, and what happened.

Today, I was sad. It was, as we all say, “one of those days.” Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, stared at my reflection, and these words swarmed my brain like the freaking tracker jackers from The Hunger Games: “You’re not good enough.” If you really know me, you know I don’t like to do anything halfway, so my negative self-talk and insecurities said “Sis, don’t stop there! You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not faithful enough. You’re not pretty enough. You don’t know what you want to do with your life. You’re not successful enough, etc…” I really stood there and I really said those things to myself. I know we’re all hard on ourselves, myself included, and typically I can shake these thoughts by saying “Satan can u not???” or “Okay Rachel we’re being a little dramatic here,” but today was different. Today, as my eyes swelled with tears and these voices overpowered any positive thoughts that could counter how I was feeling, I just couldn’t stop telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I decided to drop everything and participate in one of my all time favorite de-stressing activities- going on a walk. Going on a walk, to me, is one of the most therapeutic things in the whole world. I decided to ditch my walking playlist (Some jams on that playlist include: “Wow” by Post Malone, “Kiwi” by Harry Styles, “Bottoms Up” by Nicki Minaj and Trey Songz, “Break Every Chain” performed by Kymberli Joye, and everything by Halsey) and try to find a calm podcast of someone, somewhere telling me I AM good enough. After I literally Googled “Podcasts that remind me that I’m good enough”, I came across “Soul Chat with Lauren and Kristi”. I figured I would listen to the beginning and decide how I was feeling (a.k.a. thought “Wow” is my jam and I’m choosing to forgo listening to have a ~soul chat~??? Please…) From the first minute, I was hooked. These women were calm, they were honest, and they said exactly what I needed to hear- “We’ve all been there.” From their podcast, I grasped three main points that I wanted to share with you. Whether you’re thinking to yourself right now, “I’m feeling the same exact way” or you’re thinking “Okay dang Rachel is going THROUGH IT”, I just feel like these are such valid and important points that are TOO good not to share.

1)   The first question they posed was this: “Would you speak to your daughter or son the same way that you speak to yourself?” This question hit me like a ton of bricks and truly stopped me in my tracks. I mean honestly could you imagine? Think about the things you say to yourself, the way you make yourself feel, the way you own your accomplishments, etc.. One of my absolute dreams is to be a mom (a cool one, obvi) and even the sheer thought of looking at my child and saying the things I say to myself breaks my heart. That is alarming! I think that’s a good question to keep in the back of your mind when you start to bring yourself down or keep doubting yourself.

2)   Secondly, they said: Things you long for on the outside are things you’re missing on the inside. Again, I stopped. (I hope people weren’t watching me because they definitely think something is wrong with me if they were.) What are you doing to remind yourself that you are enough? Where do you get validation? If you’re like me, sometimes your validation comes from allllll the wrong places. Likes on the gram? Boys talking to you? New job opportunities? I feel u, fam. But WHY? Why oh why are we seeking validation from outside sources? Why do we CONSTANTLY feel the need to prove ourselves, explain our scenarios, and defend our choices to everyone in the world? We are always on the defense and honestly I’m so sick of it. My podcast pals literally laughed and said, “We KNOW that we are perfectly made in God’s image, so who are we to say that we aren’t enough? That just doesn’t make sense.” They are so right. I mess up 9309237458 times a day and I make mistakes and I am constantly saying things I wish I could take back, but that doesn’t dictate my worthiness. I frequently find myself looking to others to say things about me that I can’t accept saying to myself. We can try so, so hard to mask how we’re feeling on the inside with outside factors, but at the end of the day it’s all about how YOU feel about yourself.

3)    Finally, they asked: “Are you shoulding yourself?” At the risk of sounding ratchet, I’ll be honest and say I thought they asked if I was shitting myself and I was really excited to say that wasn’t happening. I was a little confused as to how that tied into the whole thing but I was just going with it. After listening a little closer, I realized that “shoulding yourself” is way worse in the long run, and that I TOTALLY do it all the time. This is the example they gave: What happens when you plan to wake up at a certain time and then you actually wake up an hour later? You say, “I should have gotten up earlier.” Right then and there you are starting your day with a failure. Before you have even wiped the sleepies away from your eyes, you’ve told yourself that you’ve failed. Think about it: “I should have gone to the gym. I should have waited before getting into that relationship. I should have done something differently. I should have ordered the salad.” Read: Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Our heads are telling us all of the wrong, when our hearts are trying so hard to lead us to the right. We are surrounded by infinite blessings, yet we are constantly masking them with the “should haves”. Today, I had a LIST of things I {should have} done. Instead, I was blessed and able to use my body to go on a walk in a safe neighborhood, listen to a podcast on my phone, and take time to really evaluate how I was feeling. In this podcast, they emphasized that these changes don't happen overnight. Maybe tomorrow when you’re late and in rush hour traffic your first thought won’t be “I am BLESSED to have a car,” but I say we try it. What is enough for you right now and today?

Needless to say, I highly recommend the podcast "Soul Chat with Lauren and Kristi." I’ll be the first to admit that I get so constantly caught up in comparison and insecurities that I sometimes fail to see the beauty in the small things. I’ll also be the first to admit that if I have bad days, sad days, angry days, or days where I’m just not feeling it, I try to mask it on social media or in conversation. I want you to know and I want me to know that it’s okay to have these days. We are human. We make mistakes, we wreck our cars, we change careers, we break up with our boyfriends, we accidentally put liquids in our carry-on bags, we drop glass vases, we say things we don’t mean, and then we do it all over again. We’ve just got to be nice to ourselves and be nice to each other. Most importantly, I hope you remember that you are good enough. I hope I remember that I am good enough. We're in this together.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

RL