You Really Are Good Enough

I, Rachel G. Land, do not blog frequently and I do not listen to podcasts. In my brain, listening to podcasts is simply interfering with the time I could be listening to uplifting hits like “Bartier Cardi”, “Mo Bamba”, and “Shake That” by Eminem…and blogging? Do I look like I have the time? Who wants to read my thoughts? Today, however, I had an experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Sadly, I know it’s something that a lot of us face and that is why I wanted to share it. So here we are: you, me, and what happened.

Today, I was sad. It was, as we all say, “one of those days.” Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, stared at my reflection, and these words swarmed my brain like the freaking tracker jackers from The Hunger Games: “You’re not good enough.” If you really know me, you know I don’t like to do anything halfway, so my negative self-talk and insecurities said “Sis, don’t stop there! You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not faithful enough. You’re not pretty enough. You don’t know what you want to do with your life. You’re not successful enough, etc…” I really stood there and I really said those things to myself. I know we’re all hard on ourselves, myself included, and typically I can shake these thoughts by saying “Satan can u not???” or “Okay Rachel we’re being a little dramatic here,” but today was different. Today, as my eyes swelled with tears and these voices overpowered any positive thoughts that could counter how I was feeling, I just couldn’t stop telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I decided to drop everything and participate in one of my all time favorite de-stressing activities- going on a walk. Going on a walk, to me, is one of the most therapeutic things in the whole world. I decided to ditch my walking playlist (Some jams on that playlist include: “Wow” by Post Malone, “Kiwi” by Harry Styles, “Bottoms Up” by Nicki Minaj and Trey Songz, “Break Every Chain” performed by Kymberli Joye, and everything by Halsey) and try to find a calm podcast of someone, somewhere telling me I AM good enough. After I literally Googled “Podcasts that remind me that I’m good enough”, I came across “Soul Chat with Lauren and Kristi”. I figured I would listen to the beginning and decide how I was feeling (a.k.a. thought “Wow” is my jam and I’m choosing to forgo listening to have a ~soul chat~??? Please…) From the first minute, I was hooked. These women were calm, they were honest, and they said exactly what I needed to hear- “We’ve all been there.” From their podcast, I grasped three main points that I wanted to share with you. Whether you’re thinking to yourself right now, “I’m feeling the same exact way” or you’re thinking “Okay dang Rachel is going THROUGH IT”, I just feel like these are such valid and important points that are TOO good not to share.

1)   The first question they posed was this: “Would you speak to your daughter or son the same way that you speak to yourself?” This question hit me like a ton of bricks and truly stopped me in my tracks. I mean honestly could you imagine? Think about the things you say to yourself, the way you make yourself feel, the way you own your accomplishments, etc.. One of my absolute dreams is to be a mom (a cool one, obvi) and even the sheer thought of looking at my child and saying the things I say to myself breaks my heart. That is alarming! I think that’s a good question to keep in the back of your mind when you start to bring yourself down or keep doubting yourself.

2)   Secondly, they said: Things you long for on the outside are things you’re missing on the inside. Again, I stopped. (I hope people weren’t watching me because they definitely think something is wrong with me if they were.) What are you doing to remind yourself that you are enough? Where do you get validation? If you’re like me, sometimes your validation comes from allllll the wrong places. Likes on the gram? Boys talking to you? New job opportunities? I feel u, fam. But WHY? Why oh why are we seeking validation from outside sources? Why do we CONSTANTLY feel the need to prove ourselves, explain our scenarios, and defend our choices to everyone in the world? We are always on the defense and honestly I’m so sick of it. My podcast pals literally laughed and said, “We KNOW that we are perfectly made in God’s image, so who are we to say that we aren’t enough? That just doesn’t make sense.” They are so right. I mess up 9309237458 times a day and I make mistakes and I am constantly saying things I wish I could take back, but that doesn’t dictate my worthiness. I frequently find myself looking to others to say things about me that I can’t accept saying to myself. We can try so, so hard to mask how we’re feeling on the inside with outside factors, but at the end of the day it’s all about how YOU feel about yourself.

3)    Finally, they asked: “Are you shoulding yourself?” At the risk of sounding ratchet, I’ll be honest and say I thought they asked if I was shitting myself and I was really excited to say that wasn’t happening. I was a little confused as to how that tied into the whole thing but I was just going with it. After listening a little closer, I realized that “shoulding yourself” is way worse in the long run, and that I TOTALLY do it all the time. This is the example they gave: What happens when you plan to wake up at a certain time and then you actually wake up an hour later? You say, “I should have gotten up earlier.” Right then and there you are starting your day with a failure. Before you have even wiped the sleepies away from your eyes, you’ve told yourself that you’ve failed. Think about it: “I should have gone to the gym. I should have waited before getting into that relationship. I should have done something differently. I should have ordered the salad.” Read: Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Our heads are telling us all of the wrong, when our hearts are trying so hard to lead us to the right. We are surrounded by infinite blessings, yet we are constantly masking them with the “should haves”. Today, I had a LIST of things I {should have} done. Instead, I was blessed and able to use my body to go on a walk in a safe neighborhood, listen to a podcast on my phone, and take time to really evaluate how I was feeling. In this podcast, they emphasized that these changes don't happen overnight. Maybe tomorrow when you’re late and in rush hour traffic your first thought won’t be “I am BLESSED to have a car,” but I say we try it. What is enough for you right now and today?

Needless to say, I highly recommend the podcast "Soul Chat with Lauren and Kristi." I’ll be the first to admit that I get so constantly caught up in comparison and insecurities that I sometimes fail to see the beauty in the small things. I’ll also be the first to admit that if I have bad days, sad days, angry days, or days where I’m just not feeling it, I try to mask it on social media or in conversation. I want you to know and I want me to know that it’s okay to have these days. We are human. We make mistakes, we wreck our cars, we change careers, we break up with our boyfriends, we accidentally put liquids in our carry-on bags, we drop glass vases, we say things we don’t mean, and then we do it all over again. We’ve just got to be nice to ourselves and be nice to each other. Most importantly, I hope you remember that you are good enough. I hope I remember that I am good enough. We're in this together.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

RL

You Never Know What You'll See at Chick-Fil-A

This might come as a shock to you, but I would definitely consider myself a people-person. I love to surround myself with people, spend time with people, talk to people, and pretty much do anything that involves me not hanging out alone. I would say one of the greatest challenges I have faced since leaving college is not constantly being surrounded by people. From living in my sorority house to going to classes and sporting events and the TCU sponsored mixer, “Late Night BLUU”, looking back I can think of very few experiences where I wasn’t surrounded by people. While that’s definitely not everyone’s preference, I am all about “All people, all the time”.  I have a bulletin board up in my office that has a lot of pictures from great times with friends: Friends I have had for almost 23 years, friends from growing up, friends from TCU, friends I made one weekend in Clemson, friends I made at summer camp or in Africa or in Chicago, and friends I just randomly know but we don’t know how we know each other but I’m really glad we do.

The board is definitely a statement piece in my office so, whenever anyone walks in, comments like “You have such cute friends!” or “Wow your friends look so nice!” are always said. Normally, I just smile and say “Yes, I am very lucky.” or “Oh thanks! They really rock.” However, today I saw something that made me really think about how blessed I truly am with these friendships.

This might also come as a shock to you, but I would definitely not consider myself a morning person. So naturally this morning I was running a little late for work and totally forgot to bring lunch. So around noon I decided to head over to the most #loyal restaurant I know, Chick-Fil-A, to get my usual grilled nugs and fruit (today I actually got a side of kale salad and tbh I would not recommend). If you have ever been to a Chick-Fil-A around noon, you know that the line is going to be unbelievably long.  So my car was stopped right by a door to the Chick-Fil-A and then I saw them. The people who made my eyes swell with tears in the Chick-Fil-A drive thru. 

I saw the back of an older man pulling a wheelchair, but couldn’t see the person in the wheelchair. I have always LOVED older people. I think they are some of the cutest people in the world. They are always full of wisdom and tell the best stories. My mom has always said I should work in a retirement home because I just love these people. So I thought this was going to be an older man pushing his older wife in a wheelchair. A million thoughts went through my head: “This is going to be just like ‘The Notebook’.”, “He has loved her his entire life and will push her anywhere just so they can be together.”, “True love never ages.”, and more Nicholas Sparks-esque thoughts were rapidly running through my mind. However, when they turned to exit the restaurant it wasn’t a sweet, frail, white-haired grandmother, it was an older man. This man seemed to be a little older than the pusher of the wheelchair, and it appeared that age had taken away his ability to communicate well.

They were friends.

They were simply friends who were having lunch together. My eyes filled with tears as I was watching two of the cutest friends ever leaving their lunch, but for them it was just another day.

            Then I really started thinking. That is the definition of friendship. It doesn’t have to be an extravagant display or an exciting activity, it’s just knowing that your buddy is going to be there for you. It’s knowing that someone would rather push your wheelchair around all day than miss an opportunity to spend time with you. It’s not letting obstacles such as disability, distance, race, nationality, religion, age, etc…stand in the way of connecting with someone’s heart. Heck I worked in upstate New York this summer and consider the people I worked with to be some of my best friends. Not because we see each other every day or because we have lavish meet-ups in New York City, but because when we speak on the phone or text I know they genuinely care about me and care about how I’m doing, how my day was, how I’m feeling, etc... My TCU friends have seen me at my absolute best and absolute worst, but they haven’t said “See ya weirdo” after I’ve had one bad day. They are strong leaders, solid listeners, and just all-around great friends and people. They challenge me and want me to push myself to be the best. They include me when I might be feeling excluded or having an alarming amount of FOMO. My friends from Chicago make me laugh and help me improve my daily life, my friends from Clemson show compassion and demonstrate how having Jesus-centered friendships can change your life, my friends from Africa show me that friendship and love have no borders, my childhood friends have helped me grow, and this is just the tippy tippy top of this beautiful mountain of friendship that I really have taken for granted. The people who I once considered friends that aren’t necessarily in my life anymore have helped me learn from my mistakes and have helped me find what matters to me, the kids at the school where I work are so full of life and wisdom and demonstrate that you can learn a lot from people younger than you. My co-workers show their friendship through patience and trust, my church family shows friendship through letting me share a pew with a family of five I don’t know, and there are so, so, so many pieces of my life that have been shaped through friendships that I haven’t even given a second thought. Not anymore.

            Thank you. Thank you to my friends, teachers, family, and acquaintances. You have given me the greatest blessing of all through your friendship, and that is love. Love came through the door at Chick-Fil-A in the form of a friend pushing another friend’s wheelchair. Let’s love more in 2017. My favorite Bible verse reads, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8) I’ve always dreamed of the day when I could say, “Yes I have this wonderful husband who is the full definition of love and we love our children and we love our life and yay go us.” Y’all, this definition of love is surrounding us right now in our friends. We don’t have to wait to feel this kind of love. Think about your life experiences and all of the people you have met that have shown you true friendship and asked nothing in return. Obviously there will be bumps in the road. Things happen and people make mistakes, but true friendships can overlook the obstacles. So, let’s go out and simply focus on being friends with each other. You never know what is going on in someone’s life, but truly a little friendship can go a long way.

RL

The Man in 11D

Airplanes are truly wonderful, aren’t they? Whether they’re reuniting a family, taking you on a lavish vacation, bringing a hero home from war, or anything else, they are awesome. Sometimes people have to fly on airplanes for not-so-great reasons, but even then the ease of flying over driving takes a little bit of stress off the passenger. Let me tell you a little-known Rachel fact…airplanes really kind of freak me out sometimes. I’m not talking about a Bridesmaids “Colonial woman on the wing” meltdown situation, but they make me panic a little, especially in the dark. You know that moment when you hear the ding and the flight attendant says “The Captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign. Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened as unexpected turbulence may occur”…that’s the moment that really undoes me. I worry enough as it is, so being thousands of feet in the air in a little steel blob is not my idea of fun. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to fly, but I’m just saying if it was realistic to walk from TCU to Georgia I probably would.

            Last night I flew from Greenville, South Carolina to Fort Worth, Texas…and let me just tell you something…I was in a MOOD. I was teary-eyed because I had to say goodbye to some of my best friends at Clemson earlier that day, I was tired, and the flight was delayed. I was in such a mood that when I heard two people next to me start SINGING in the airport (uh hello singing is one of my favorite things in the world) I didn’t join in or smile and wave, I got up and moved myself as far away from them as possible. Yeah, I was in a mood. Little did I know I was about to meet someone else, also in a mood, that would change my life forever.

            We all sat down on the flight and the plane was delayed for about thirty more minutes and we all quickly noticed something less-than-ideal…the air conditioning was DEFINITELY not on and people were legitimately starting to sweat. This did not help my mood, and I think it started to create a mood for the previously-smiling customers. Then my phone died (shocking) and I was tired, mad, and sweaty (#ugh). One guy behind me, 11D, started to actually sing a song about air conditioning. The lyrics were, “Air conditioning, anybody? It’s fricken hot.” It made everyone chuckle. I even Tweeted about it. People were starting to get concerned about their connections, including 11D, who hit the call button to check-in on his next flight to LA. It was easy to tell he was concerned, but the flight attendant assured him he would be okay. The Captain came over the loud speaker to let us know that the air conditioning, in fact, was not on (okay thank u sir), but it would be shortly. We finally took off and after a few turbulent bumps where I almost clinged onto the man in the Clemson hat next to me, I pulled out my book, “Love Does” by Bob Goff. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and start reading it today. I’m in love with it. I was reading a chapter about Goff accidentally eating Crisco instead of cream cheese and then…it happened…

            BOOM

            The flight attendant, who was going up and down the tiny aisle handing out drinks and pretzels, dropped a Sierra Mist on the ground. We all know what happens when a soda that’s been rolled around and shaken up hits the ground…oh baby it was a Sierra Mist shower for the man in 11D. I thought the head of the twenty-five(ish) year old looking guy was going to do the same thing as the soda can. He took off his shoes, stood on the seat, did a little jump maneuver over the flight attendant and the drink cart, and started pacing the aisle looking for paper towels. He kept making remarks like “I can’t wait to put my shoes back on and have sticky feet all the way to LA” and “This is f*cking ridiculous”. I sat there kind of in shock at his reaction, like most people around me (The man in 10D kind of let out a chuckle). I immediately thought “I would NEVER have reacted like that”.  The second I had that thought it was like time stopped. “Wait…how would I have reacted?” was my next immediate thought. Part of me likes to think that I would have just said “No big deal at all…everyone makes mistakes…” but in reality, I don’t think that’s how I would have reacted.

            I had a lot of time to reflect on how I would have reacted in that situation. When I got real about it, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I knew that if my mom was with me and the soda had gotten all over me, I would have been so livid and she probably would have to hear all about how mad I was. I would have probably tried to place the blame on her somehow and then not spoken for the rest of the flight. Isn’t it weird to think that sometimes the people we love more than anything, and who love us more than anything, are the people we can hurt the most, too? I mean, I know for a fact she would give me the shoes off her feet 1) Because she loves me and 2) So she wouldn’t have to hear about my sticky feet situation, so why would I be mad at her? Because she was there? I mean, really. I know I’m not the only one with that struggle. Taking your anger out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’ve been on both sides of that situation, maybe you have to, and it hurts.

            If I had been by myself, I probably would have just sat there. I probably would have thought about all of the things that had gone “wrong” in the last few hours, days, or weeks. I probably would have felt bad for myself and counted how many times I had been angry in the last few weeks, instead of counting my blessings. I mean, heck, I was flying back from the best weekend ever with new and old friends, but I would have put that to the side to think about not getting enough sleep, my phone being dead, and the fact that my car needs an oil change. I would have been counting what I saw as defeats, not my countless blessings.

            Sometimes I wonder if Jesus has a “nervous laugh”. You know the laugh I’m talking about, no doubt. It’s the laugh I give when I am a guest at someone’s home and the family tells me they just used their favorite detergent, Lilac and Lavender Fields of Sunshine, to wash my sheets. I smile and give my nervous laugh, wondering when it’s the appropriate time to tell them I’m highly allergic to scented detergent and will have splotchy, itchy skin in the next hour. They’re so gracious and I just can’t accept it. Obviously, Jesus has no reason to be nervous, I mean look who we’re talking about here. What is He going to worry about? Drowning? The Man can walk on water, for Pete’s sake. However, sometimes I wonder if He puts us in these situations to see how we will react. To see if we will react to honor Him or to put down others. He presents the situation and HE knows how we’re going to react before we even do it. If we don’t react in a way that honors Him, He might let out a nervous laugh and think, “Come on now, you know I’ve created you to be better than that.” He’s so patient. It’s really an amazing thing. How can someone be SO PATIENT to people who mess up billions of times a day? Thank you, God.

            So when the plane finally landed (after more turbulence eek), 11D had about 45 minutes to make his flight. I passed him and simply said, “I’m sorry about your shoes.” After I opened my mouth I got a little nervous, thinking…okay what the heck is he going to say back to me. His words astonished me. He said, “It’s no big deal, I wish the flight attendants had helped me out a little more, but it’s totally fine.” I thought to myself "SIR…IT’S NO BIG DEAL?!? YOU HAVE BEEN CUSSING FOR TWO HOURS AND NOW YOU DECIDE IT’S NO BIG DEAL?!" Wow I was heated, but I thought “Okay, maybe he actually is nice, just had a moment…we all have those moments.” As things would have it, it took about 25 minutes for our baggage to come and sweet 11D let out the remark, “If I get stranded here because of the bullsh*t…” to an employee of the airport who had legitimately nothing to do with baggage. I really tried to read this guy and understand him, but he went from funny, to concerned, to upset, to understanding, back to upset, and about every emotion in between. I even heard someone say quietly, “That guy was such an a**hole to the gate agent.” 11D, you are such an enigma.

            So, why did this moment affect me so much? Why did it hit me like a strong punch to the stomach? Because it was an example, right in front of my face, of God’s love in action.

            You might be thinking… “Okay, what? How does this story have to do with God’s love in any way at all?” This situation showed me so many examples of forgiveness. I was in a mood, 11D was in a mood, the flight attendant was probably in a mood after getting cussed at, and God loves us and forgives our moods all the time.

            God forgives us. This is such an important thing to remember. I say things I don’t mean, do things incorrectly all the time, and mess up a million times a day, but God forgives me. He thinks I am a beautiful child of His creation and that makes me so joyful. He thinks I am perfect. I think people don’t always know and remember this, and that is why a lot of my friends, loved ones, and even people I don’t know stray away from the Jesus. We are sinners. We have struggles. God forgives us. Maybe you’re hurting, struggling with a plethora of addictions, attended church last in 2004, don’t have a religious family, etc.. Maybe you've made a big mistake and turned away from religion because you think you’re “not good enough”. God has always loved you. He knows what we do before we even do it. He FORGIVES us. He wants us to run to Him with our problems, not take them out on the flight attendant, or our moms and dads, or our friends. Sometimes we forget it. When I’m mad, I don’t immediately say “God please help me.” I should, though. I’m going to try to be so much better about that. I challenge you to do the same. We CAN do it together.

            Forgive others. “Forgiveness is the final form of love.” – Reinhold Niebuhr

Y’all. Help me on this and I’ll help you. It takes so much weight off your shoulders when you just forgive. There are people in my life who I felt have wronged me, hurt me, or betrayed me. You know what? There are people out there who can say the exact same thing about me. I traveled to Kenya this summer and we prayed a lot about forgiveness, and the people who I was not talking to, holding a grudge against, etc…’s names lit up in my mind like a Broadway sign. I had to say something to these people because it was hurting me to have these feelings of negativity. Try it. Talk to one person who you feel has wronged you. Even if you can’t settle what happened, you will know that you tried. I know I am thankful for the forgiveness people have shown me, so let’s try it. We CAN AND SHOULD forgive others like Jesus forgives us.

My new favorite quote is by Theodore Roosevelt. It says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Try not to compare yourself to others, because we’re all at different places in life. We have struggles, we sin, but we can forgive and build each other up in Christ. Let’s do it. “May your worries be less, your joys be more, and let nothing but happiness come through your door”…and may your shoes never be filled with Sierra Mist. If they are, though, I’m sure it was an accident. :) 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8